Transcript of Secret Meeting Revealed: What Republicans Really Think of The Filibuster

One must respect the time-honored traditions of bipartisanship

There’s been a lot of talk about getting rid of the filibuster so Democrats can pass legislation that restores voting rights that red-leaning states have removed.

But liberals worry that Republicans will eventually get control of Congress again, and when they do, they will use that newly removed filibuster to pass new laws that Democrats wouldn’t like. So, they reason, if Democrats do not remove the Filibuster, Republicans will respect that, and will also leave it alone.

I can confirm that this is exactly the right analysis, because I not only heard, but recorded a conversation among top Republicans that confirms that this is exactly how they think.

You may already know me. I’m Steven Yablonsky, and I was a janitor at Trump Tower that recorded the meeting that Jared Kushner had with the Russians in June 2016 and published the transcripts to the New York Times.

Though I was fired from my job at Trump Tower, I got a new job at the Capitol helping to clean up after the January 6 riots. Recently, I overheard the following conversation between Mitch McConnell, Tom Cotton, and Ted Cruz on the topic of the filibuster, so I am making it public here for the first time:

Transcription:

Mitch: Are you sure we’re alone here?

Tom: Yeah, we’re good. The rioters made a mess of the place, but God love ’em. And the cleanup crew did a great job. Those immigrants really are good at that.

Ted: Tell me about it! If we could just get them to stop voting, it’d be awesome.

Mitch: Well, that’s what I want to talk about. Now, we need to keep this all hush hush.

Tom: Hey, I’m fine with that. I only talk crazy shit when in front of other people.

Ted: Yeah, and to Trump! It’s hilarious what you can get away with. He has no idea!

Tom: Hey, look, if it gets me re-elected, I’m down with that.

Ted: True. True.

Mitch: That’s the point, gentlemen. We know we lost the election, but in order to win everything back, we need to do two things: Stop Democrats from voting, and make sure Biden doesn’t pass any legislation at all.

Ted: This should be pretty easy. Republican governors have already passed laws restricting voting. As for legislation, we only need to filibuster and we’re good.

Mitch: That’s right, but we also have to make sure we look like we’re trying to be bipartisan, because otherwise, the Democrats will get rid of the filibuster and that would be horrible for democracy.

Ted: I see what you’re saying, Mitch. We keep Dems from getting rid of the filibuster, so that when we get control again in 2022, we can get rid of the filibuster to keep Democrats from stopping our agenda! That’s brilliant!

Mitch: No! We won’t be able to do that. Not unless Democrats do it first.

Tom: Wait, I’m confused. You’re saying that if Democrats don’t get rid of the filibuster, we’re stuck with it because we can’t get rid of it either? I don’t understand that logic.

Mitch: First off, that would be out of bounds. We may be crazy to change voting laws and even pretend that we agree with The Big Lie about the stolen election, but getting rid of the filibuster is like conspiring with an enemy to commit election fraud. It’s just plain wrong. But if the Dems do it first…

Tom: …if Democrats do it first, we’re fine with it, but if they don’t we’re stuck with it. Damn, that’s a tough choice, isn’t it.

Mitch: Yes it is.

Tom: Guys, this seems weird to me. We’re willing to change voting laws, gerrymander, and even “vote” to overturn an election that even we knew was perfectly fair, but we’re not willing to get rid of the filibuster unless Dems do it first?

Mitch: Look, we Republicans are nothing if not honor-bound to law and order.

Ted: Ahhh, I see now. This is why you hear the liberal media saying, “Don’t get rid of the filibuster because that will allow Republicans to pass any laws they want once they get power again.” I thought they were just being silly and fanatical, but you’re saying they’re actually right?!

Mitch: Exactly. They know us pretty well.

Ted: I see! So when Harry Reid got rid of the filibuster for federal judges, that’s why we Republicans got rid of it for the Supreme Court judges!

Mitch: Exactly. And thank goodness, too, because otherwise, we’d have never been able to get all of Trump’s three justices on the court.

Tom: You’re telling me that we wouldn’t have gotten rid of the filibuster for the Supremes? Trump would have been outraged!

Mitch: Nope. He’d be fine with it. Again, we Republicans know how dangerous it is to mess with the filibuster, so we would never, ever have changed it for the Supremes, but we only did because Harry Reid did it for the federal judges.

Tom: Ok, I’m confused again. If that was the case, and we got Supreme Court justices confirmed, what about the whole idea of packing the court?

Ted: That’s right, Mitch! Democrats say they would pack the Supreme Court with liberal justices to even it out with our conservative appointments, but the liberal media says that if they do that, then we would just do the same, right?

Mitch: Of course we would!

Ted: But again, let me get this straight now: If the situation was reversed, and we had the opportunity to pack the court with Trump in the White House, we wouldn’t because “that would be wrong?”

Mitch: That’s right, Ted. We only do bad things to match Democrats. We’d never go further unless they do it first. Fortunately, we didn’t have to, because we also held the majority in the Senate, so we could get our appointments in without having to undermine democracy.

Tom: Ok, let me pull all this together. There’s the courts and the filibuster, and we don’t do things that would undermine democracy. So, the plan is, we pretend to be bipartisan so they won’t get rid of the filibuster, and that will keep them from interfering with our plan to restrict voting rights, which is not undermining democracy, right?

Mitch: Right.

Tom: Fine. What’s the next step?

Mitch: It’s all about Joe Manchin. As long as he thinks we’re going to play ball, we’re fine. So, just keep throwing out these counter proposals on the budget, immigration, and anything you want. Make up crazy stuff, it doesn’t matter.

Ted: And as long as we do that, the liberal media will keep pressing Manchin and other Dems not to get rid of the filibuster. That’s brilliant!

Mitch: Thanks.

Tom: Shh-shh. I see a janitor over there. Let’s be quiet.

Ted: It’s Ok. He probably doesn’t speak English.